


Never Again

by millygal



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Domestic Violence, Fluff, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 10:13:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10614780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal
Summary: Jared's spent five years watching his life fall apart around him with no control over his role in it. Things have to change.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *blows out a breath* Okay then, let's start with thanks shall we? To my friends who spent an entire weekend with me, giving me feedback and encouragement to finish this, jj1564, stir_of_echoes, sw0rdy, fireheart13 and the_rant_girl, thank you! *hearts* Without you this never would've made it passed the 500 word mark and I would've been hunkered under a duvet crying. To my beta who worked her arse off, who put her heart and soul into forcing this into something to be proud of, alexisjane, thank you! Any and all remaining mistakes are mine, not hers. This story has been brewing in the back of my mind for a very long time (two years at last check) and it's finally finished and ready to go. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a relief that is. Anyway, if domestic violence is something you can't deal with then this isn't the story for you.

There's a moment at the end of every working day when Jared finds himself frozen, if not in fear then certainly apprehension.

He's fully aware that every single person in the place knows exactly what's happening at home. He wants to be able to say he doesn't care, that he doesn't feel the shame of the pity that rolls towards him each day, but that would be a lie.

He lies to himself enough, covering over his day-to-day despair would be one too many bent truths for him to handle.

You can't cover a lie with powder and paint. Not like a black eye or a split lip.

The soft voices and pained glances are nothing compared to the down right cuntish comments that come from some, stage-whispered in corners where they _know_ he'll hear them.

Those ignorant assholes who have no clue what a life lived on a knife edge is really like, and even if they did, they'd **still** judge him for it. For staying.

He stays because an opportunity to leave has never presented itself.

He stays because as far as he's concerned, this is all he's good for.

He stays because where else can he go?

He stays because, in all honesty, who the hell would want a used up dish rag of a man who's got more scars than clean flesh, mentally and physically?

It's been years since Jared knew the soft touch of comfort instead of the open palmed slap of a person angry at his own life with nowhere else to point the frustration.

Actually no, that's bullshit, and damn him all to hell for buying into the same shit everyone in this situation tells himself so they can sleep at night.

When Chad is happy and chilled and the world around him isn't aggravating him to the point of rage, he's a bloody gorgeous man with a fucking fantastic sense of humour. They enjoy meals out and Friday nights snuggled up on the couch. Those moments lead to love making and laughter and all the things Jared always dreamed of when he first set eyes on his husband.

It's simply that he's learned not to expect those moments to last.

Sad state of affairs when you **know** your happy bubble could pop at any moment.

Jared throws his apron in his locker and pockets the key, movements getting more sluggish with each passing second, and he wonders what it would be like to just not go home. To walk out of the diner's front door and turn left instead of right. It's never gonna happen but there's always that remote possibility that one day he'll grow the stones to say _enough is enough_.

As he's fumbling with his backpack and iPod, he feels eyes settle at his back. Without turning he knows exactly who it is and he's not sure he can handle the look of sadness on Jensen's face, not today. Hunching his shoulders, he slings the strap of his bag over his shoulder and walks away.

Jared knows that Jensen wants nothing more than to cosset Jared in bubble-wrap and steal him away, but it's far too dangerous to acknowledge it out loud.

It's even more dangerous to admit that Jared would love nothing more than to spin and fall into Jensen's arms, because it's not something they've ever really spoken about. Not directly.

Jensen's braved voicing his opinion once, and that was enough for **both** of them.

The resulting _discussion_ left them sweaty, panting, angry to the point where neither could find his voice

When it comes to what everyone thinks of him and his fucked up situation, Jensen is the only person Jared actually gives a crap about and he's the **one** person who Jared can't actually trust himself to talk to about it.

Chad's already banned Jensen from the apartment, not that he'd come over anyway. Too many chances to finally snap and step over that line Jared knows Jensen doesn’t ever want to cross.

It's one thing knowing what goes on, and seeing the fading bruises or the patches of skin clearly covered with make-up, it's another thing entirely to have to witness Chad berate Jared into a stuttering fumbling shadow of who he used to be.

Jensen would simply lose the will to turn a blind eye and Jared's whole world would come crashing down. His best friend respects him enough to never put him in that position.

Sometimes Jared wishes Jensen would just break all the rules and sweep in, blow passed his husband and simply whisk him away somewhere safe and warm.

Dangerous.

*****************

Jensen watches Jared's slumped shoulders trail passed the diner window and let’s his chin fall to his chest. "This is so _fucked_ **up**!"

Charlie checks to see that Jensen's capable of withstanding the comfort before stealing up behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. "Jen, honey, this is getting ridiculous. You can't keep doing this to yourself. If he wanted to leave, he'd fucking well leave. One day you'll have to fish or cut bait."

Jensen spins in her arms and rests his chin on her head, taking comfort where he can. "No, Charlie, he wouldn't. You know **why** he wouldn't? Because no one's ever told him he CAN!"

Charlie realises that she's just fallen into the trap so many in this place do; assuming that this is Jared's choice in the conventional sense. Shaking her head at her own ignorance and making a note never to do it again, she squeezes Jensen's ribs and steps back. "Then perhaps you should tell him. I dunno, write it in the sky if you have to but... He can't carry on like this, and I _know_ you can't. The other day...wait, you feeling okay?

Jensen takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, willing the image of Jared's permanent limp and hitched breathing from his mind. "I'm good, what? The other day _what_?"

Charlie can feel the barely contained anger rolling off Jensen's body but perhaps she needs to push, just a little. The holding pattern the boys have got going on is bordering on fucked up and if nothing else Jared needs to leave that abusive waste of space Chad in the dust. "He came in the other day and I could see he had a fresh shiner, and he _still_ tried to pass it off as a 'walking into the door' incident. What's worse is when I went to tilt his head, he whipped his face away from me so fast he must've pulled something that'd only just healed and he almost collapsed in agony."

"Where was I?!"

"Day off. Good job too because I had visions of you throwing your apron at me and trying to be a hero."

Jensen's whole body vibrates with...with fear. Fear that one day he'll get a call saying Jared won't be in because he's in hospital. Fear that one day he won't even make it to hospital. He can't keep holding it all in and Jared can't keep allowing himself to be used as a verbal and physical punching bag. The human body can only take so much and the mind, well that's far easier to shatter. How long before the man he loves doesn't exist any more?

Digging around in his pocket, Jensen yanks out his phone and starts furiously double thumbing the keypad.

Charlie rolls her eyes and sighs. Finally. "What ya doin?"

"Something I should've done a long time ago."

*************

Jared's key snicks the lock and Chad spins on the spot. " _Where_ have you been?"

The door isn't even fully open before Jared feels the tension leaking from Chad's pores and shrinks in on himself. "I told you I was working later today. They needed an extra pair of hands in the kitchen."

Chad adopts a sweet smile and wanders forward, allowing Jared's shoulders to ease, his back to straighten, before reaching out as if to grip the back of his husband's neck.

Jared's head tilts in anticipation of the touch and Chad uses the opportunity to form a fist and backhand him. "Don't talk bullshit. We all know why you spend more time there than you need to. That fucking asshole Jensen. Admit it!"

Jared's head whips sideways, his neck making an ungodly crunching sound, before his legs crumple from the shock of the blow and he's crouched against the wall. " **Shit** Chad! No, look NO. I told you yesterday we were short staffed. Jensen had nothing to do with it!"

The reddening flesh of Jared's cheek is in stark contrast to the pale skin surrounding it and he's begging whoever might be listening that Chad will take him at his word.

It's at that moment his text tone sounds.

Looming tall above the usually gargantuan man, Chad growls and bares his teeth. "Give it, now."

Jared's eyes close in defeat as he fishes out his phone and hands it over.

" _We need to talk._ Hmmm, I wonder what you **need** to talk about with Jensen..."

****************

It's 4am and Jared can't sleep. It's not that he isn't bone fucking tired, but the fresh bruises on his ribs won't allow him to settle, so he's sat staring out of the darkened window and seriously considering opening it wide enough to step out on the ledge.

He's inches away from doing just that.

He raises his hand.

He looks at his hand like it belongs to someone else and yanks it back, horrified with himself.

The **one** thing he has control over is when and where. He might not know the how but he will not allow Chad to push him passed the point of all redemption.

In these moments, where he can't see a way out other than down, Jared finds himself remembering Jensen's smile. The eye crinkles that won't quit. The sound of his laughter, so full of life. It's in these moments he knows he has to make a break. He just doesn't have a single clue as to how.

Chad confiscated his phone so he can't reply to Jensen, which Jared knows will be driving his best friend crazy. He'll be worried and angry and possibly frothing at the mouth by now.

There's a tinge of something Jared's not tasted in a long time. Hope.

Hope is  the most dangerous of all the emotions. Jared's not sure he can keep it up.

***********

Jared awakes to the feel of a hand gently stroking his hair. He recoils out of habit and hears Chad's intake of breath.

"Baby, I'm _so_ sorry. Please, forgive me?"

It's a song Jared knows all the lyrics to so well he could sing it in his sleep. The response is generally the same too. "It's okay, honey. I know you didn't."

The words curdle on his tongue.

Usually, he feels a sense of relaxation as they trip off his tongue because he knows he has a grace period between this incident and the next, but this time, they make him sick. He physically gags and has to pass it off as a cough.

Struggling against the agony in his ribs, Jared forces himself to his feet. "I gotta get ready for work."

The flatness in Jared’s voice isn't lost on Chad and he thinks perhaps it's time to do something _nice_ for Jared.

Chad knows he's a lot to handle, he gets how screwed up their relationship is. He also knows that Jared won't hang around forever. He wishes he could get his urges under control, find the balance between his rage and his love. There never seems to be a happy medium.

Jared used to be full of hope of a better way, of showing Chad he didn't need to use his fists to express himself.

Somewhere around the third year mark, Jared lost that hope and just hunkered down for the ride, and Chad knows how fucking awful that is, how much he wishes he could qualify the _why_ of his behaviour, but when the red mist descends...You only hurt the ones you love, right?

For every single broken promise and shattered illusion, Chad has the scarred knuckles to go with. He can map their relationship on his hands. Part of him wants to cut Jared loose, to allow him his freedom. The other part, the aggressive alpha male part has no such intention and the very thought of someone else being able to touch his boy, that part sits up and roars at the thought.

Chad knows given the opportunity that sneaky bastard  Jensen would smash his face so hard he'd only be recognisable as soup, and he's fully prepared for that day because when it arrives, he'll fight tooth and nail to hold on to what belongs to him.

**********

Jensen's got bags under his eyes you could carry a month's worth of groceries in and he's pretty damned sure that he's gonna serve the wrong thing to lots of people today, but knowing Chad the way he does, he figures that Jared got his phone taken away yesterday, and he spent the entire night going over nightmare scenario after nightmare scenario.

He's so angry at himself for not thinking about his timing, he should've guessed the text would've come through the minute Jared walked in and so help him, if there's a single mark on his best friend, Jensen's not going to be held responsible for his actions.

Jensen's working up a nice head of steam when he hears the front door bell jingle and finds himself leaning almost horizontally over the counter.

Jared limps in, sucking in laboured breaths, and all the fight leaves Jensen's body.

To the casual observer, to the onlooker with no prior knowledge of what might have gone down last night, Jared just looks a little under the weather. Maybe tired, maybe someone who’s downed one too many shots before bed.

To Jensen, it's clear that Chad gave him a kicking and it's _all_ his fault.

His heart hits his shoes and he finds himself moving without thinking. "Jay, please, I need...follow me."

Jared's flinch breaks Jensen's heart. Tiny jagged pieces that stick in his throat and make him want to vomit.

Charlie sees Jared enter the diner and hearing Jensen's large intake of breath, motions for Kevin to take the counter. "Take it out back."

Jensen waves a hand in her direction, never allowing his eyes to leave Jared's mottled face.

Jared's been dreading this all night. He knows they have to address the enormous elephant in the room. He also knows he's not entirely capable of an open conversation with his best friend, not when all he can think about his curling into a ball and crying out in pain.

Allowing himself to be lead by the hand, Jared follows Jensen out back into the all pervading stench of leftover burgers and half eaten breakfasts. "I...I can't..."

Jensen never lets go of Jared's hand. Almost crushing the long fingers hanging limply from his. "Jay, please. This has been going on long enough, we can't just—"

Jared finds a little fight and snatches his hand back. "STOP! I _can't_ do this. Jen I just can't. It's too painful—fuck!"

The ire fuelling his outburst pushes him past the pain for a moment until he feels his ribs jostle and he's all but hanging off Jensen to stop from collapsing in a heap on the filthy floor.

Jensen feels the ghost of Jared's laboured breathing ruffling the soft hairs on his neck and he physically has to restrain himself from grabbing hold and not letting go. He lets Jared hang passively against him, using his full weight to push back enough to keep his best friend upright. All the while, he's fighting the urge to beat Chad bloody and tell Jared just how much this hurts him.

The man in his arms couldn't stand being held gently right now, let alone ravaged, but at the base of all of Jensen's needs to protect their stands the overwhelming urge to take.

Not in the way Chad continuously takes from him, but to claim as his, cherish and protect so no one else ever gets chance to harm him or mar his beautiful skin. The skin that right now is heating under Jensen's hands, making the older man itch to caress, to sooth. "Jay, I can't do this any more."

There's a dullness to Jensen's voice that scares the holy hell out of Jared. It speaks of failure and futility and giving in. Of a moment that Jared’s seen coming for a long time but prayed he was wrong about.

 Jared makes a concerted effort to step back and look Jensen in the eyes. "No...Jen, no, please. I need,"

Jensen cuts Jared off by shoving him away. Albeit gently, still aware that the slightest touch will cause him pain. "No. Listen. I'm not being an asshole. I'm not asking you to choose. I can't stand watching you go through this any more. It's bad enough I have to watch myself around you because I might say or do something you don't want, or in fact I _know_ you do want, but watching him hurt you and you just... and I'm not allowed... I can't."

As Jensen steps fully away, Jared's arms maintain their shape, the shape of his best friend, the one that makes him feel whole and safe. Without him taking up the space inbetween, it's all emptiness and loneliness and despair.

But...

Jared doesn’t stop him from walking away.

He watches the back door swing shut and hears his own heart stutter and stall.

That's it then.

He's made his bed, he best go lay in it.

************

Jensen stalks through the diner, yanks his apron from his waist and throws it at Charlie who deftly catches it mid-air. "You done?"

"I'm done."

************

Jared stands in front of the door, key raised but not inserted into the lock, for what feels like hours.

Jensen's gone.

He'll see him at work, and he'll no doubt catch the longing looks and pained expressions, but from now on it'll be at a distance safe enough to protect both of them.

His hand begins to tremble, his arms shake with the need to beat something bloody. If anyone was _not_ prone to violent outbursts it's the man who's spent the last five years being used as a chew toy, but right now he could go ten rounds with Mike Tyson and come off the victor.

He's about to tuck tail and turn in the opposite direction, when the door swings inwards and Chad stands before him; bright smile, hair nicely done, wearing a suit and an expectant look. "Hey honey, you're home."

Jared swallows and steps forward. "Chad, we need to talk."

The change is instant; mere seconds?. It's so swift Jared doesn't have chance to brace for impact.

Chad's hands form vicious-looking claws as he reaches out and drags Jared over the threshold.

As the door slams shut behind them, Jared knows he'll either crawl away from here with some serious permanent scarring or he won't crawl away at all, but he no longer cares. He needs to stand his ground, even if he has to do it from the flat of his back with a boot on his throat.

***************

Spitting blood and teeth, Jared claws his way across the carpet, now drenched in slick sticky viscous fluids, hands sliding away beneath him. "Stop. Please."

Chad's deaf and blind to all pleas. There's a rage settle over him that would scare even the Hulk, as he picks up and throws every precious thing they've collected together. From paintings and prints hanging on the walls, to ornaments gathered on vacations in the sun. He takes each one in turn and smashes them hard against the floor. Making sure to aim them perfectly so the shards slash at his husband's already broken skin. "Please, _please_? Honestly Jay, you think saying please is going to stop this. You betrayed me. You BETRAYED US!"

His body is broken, his mind is not.

Fumbling in his pockets, Jared just manages to snatch his phone and thumb his pre-programmed text function before another blow comes raining down from above.

Stars, he can see stars, and they're so pretty.

Tinged with the crimson edging into his vision, the wetness of it blotting out everything else other than the hatred being levelled at him, Jared's not sure if Jensen will come but if he does, he's gonna walk in on a hell of a mess.

The very last thought in his head before the darkness claims him is, “What if he _doesn't_ come?”

************

Jensen's forced from sleep by the sound of his text tone and almost rolls back over, but something nagging in the pit of his empty stomach forces him pick his phone up.

Seeing Jared's name and the shortness of the message he scrabbles for his glasses. As the screen comes into sharp focus, his heart stops.

"Help."

He doesn't even bother putting on pants, just jumps out of bed wearing boxers and shoves his feet in his shoes and practically tears a hole in the door as he slams through it.

**********

Jared wakes to the sound of whistling. Jaunty, high pitched, terrifying.

Chad's standing over him, rictus of a smile forcing his lips into thin lines. "Oh wow, you're awake, thought you were gonna sleep through our _special_ night."

Jared's stomach roils as he watches Chad start to methodically remove his clothes, still whistling, still with that maniacal smile firmly fixed on his face.

He attempts to sit up, to move, but he's in so much pain, his body is so broken, he can barely lift his head without hacking coughs rendering him immobile. "Chad...stop."

"Stop what, Jay? I thought you'd like a nice night in. Just us. Bottle of wine, some good music and a little fun."

Jared thinks perhaps Chad has finally had himself a psychotic break, when he realises if he can't move, he can't get away. Bile rises in his throat as his husband starts to climb onto the bed. "Seriously, Chad, stop."

Chad's fingers tangle in Jared's blood encrusted hair, tugging none too gently. "Why would I _stop_? You belong to _me_ , Jay. You're _mine_. I keep what's mine. I use what's mine."

Jared's body convulses in a mixture of terror and revulsion; Chad isn't going to stop. Chad _knows_ what he's doing. He just doesn't care.

Oh god, _Jensen_ , please, _please_.

***************

Jensen hears a blood curdling scream split the air as he races up to Jared's front door and doesn't hesitate; slamming his shoulder full force into the wood it splinters, shattered pieces of maple embedding themselves into his flesh as he powers through the pain, crushing the remnants of it beneath his feet. "Jared! JARED?!

On the drive over—a drive that could've had him thrown in jail—he played through every single scenario that would've finally made Jared call for help. None of them have come out remotely pretty, all of them have had him swiping violently at his eyes as he careened around corners on two wheels, but none of them have prepared him for the scene unfolding before him as he slides along the hall to where he can hear the whimpers and shouts coming from.

"Chad, stop...please stop!"

The blood pooling on the floor beside the bed is already starting to dry, leaving interesting patterns on the god-awful dust ruffle now rucked up and torn beneath the two writhing bodies battling for dominance atop the sheets.

For one horrifying second, Jensen's frozen on the spot as Chad struggles against a weakened Jared who is desperately trying to claw his way up the bed.

With a roar loud enough to shatter glass, Jensen launches himself at Chad, mindful of the fact that Jared's clearly got three broken fingers on one hand and his leg is bent at a sickening angle to his body.

Hands forming talons, Jensen digs his nails into Chad's bare shoulders and pulls. He's like tissue paper, he crumples so easily as Jensen slams him bodily into the wall. "FUCKER!"

Chad laughs.

He tilts his head, narrows his eyes and _laughs_ in Jensen's face. "If you'd been a couple minutes later, I would have been. Cock sucker."

There's no conscious thought to the action, it's all blood and bile and boiling hot rage that forces Jensen's head back before bringing it down squarely on Chad's nose. The ripping sound of cartilage coming away, the feel of sinew being spread across Chad's cheeks and Jensen's forehead is a feeling the older man will relish for a very long time.

Chad cries out in agony as Jensen lets him go. He slides slowly down the wall, hands cupping his obliterated face.

Hitting the floor with a loud thud, Chad feels the toe of a boot being repeatedly beaten into his ribs and curls in on himself, trying to stop the wet sound of flesh being tenderised.

It's only Jared's soft whimper that pulls Jensen up short. Boot still wrapped in Chad's stomach he stops stock-still, turns his shoulders, and almost throws up.

Jared's one working eye is pleading with Jensen to stop, his arm outstretched, broken fingers reaching for him. The lips that Jensen's been fantasising about for so long are raw and split, weeping as he coughs up mucus and tries to speak. "Please, don't. Not worth it."

Jensen doesn't even look at Chad, just scrapes him off his boot like chewing gum. The cry of pain he hears float up from the floor is satisfying enough but right now all he wants is to get Jared out of here and to a hospital. "Easy, okay, I got you. Jay, I _got_ you."

Leaning down, he slides shaking arms beneath the quivering body heaving for breath on the bed. The agonised moans make Jensen want to stomp on Chad's head on the way out the room but there's no way he risking dropping Jared just so he can have another go at the garbage now curled in a ball and crying in the corner.

Jared allows himself to fall into sleep as Jensen cradles him close. The last thing he hears before unconsciousness takes him is his best friend's voice.

"Never again, Jay, **neve** r again."


	2. Chapter 2

It's been seven days of hospital food and fussing nurses; of Jensen sitting like a gnome perched on the end of his bed before he goes to sleep, and slumped against it when he wakes up; and Jared can't take much more.

He understands the nurses, they're paid to fuss. He even understands Jensen's reaction—the inability to do anything but wait until Jared's healed enough to go home—but the cloistered feel of being constantly under someone's gaze is going to send him down the hall to the psych unit.

Jared's got a rare moment of peace in the day that will be filled with shots and ECG's and OBS and Jensen's expression swinging from devastated to dangerously enraged and back again.

Most other people wouldn't notice it, they wouldn't see the severe mood swings because the one thing Jen's good at is keeping it all locked down. But Jared isn't most people. He's Jensen's best friend.

And as Jensen's best friend, Jared knows without a shadow of a doubt that every time he winces in pain, Jensen gets an overpowering urge to march round to Chad's apartment and rip a strip off.

 _This_ is why Jared desperately needs Jensen to either go home or _talk_ to him.

The irony.

For so many years, Jensen wasn't allowed to open his mouth on the subject of Chad and everything Jared had been through, but now, if they _don't_ talk, it will ruin any chance they have of making this thing they have work. Whatever this thing actually is

Neither of them have quite figured it out yet.

Apart from a drunken fumble in the back of a Ford GT a million years ago, they've never even kissed. Not deliberately and not sober.

He's hoping once the dust settles they can really talk it out, but there's that nagging voice in the back of his head threatening all the things he's been worrying about in the dead of night when Jensen's drooling on his unbroken leg.

_You're damaged goods._

_You've got nothing to offer him._

_He's too good for you._

_You don't know_ how _to be in a normal relationship._

************

Jensen sits quietly in the corner of the cafeteria waiting for the nurses to give Jared his shots and check his OBS. He's got a sneaking suspicion Jay may have asked them to get him to leave, simply to let him have some space.

Jensen doesn't blame him. If it were him, he'd have been climbing the walls days ago. As it is, Jared just sits and stares at the wall, occasionally flinching at loud noises and actively recoiling when anyone other than Jensen lays hands on him.

What hurts the most is watching the man he's always been in love with turn into a shadow of who he used to be and then struggle to climb out of the hole Chad created for him.

Jensen still loves Jared with his whole god-damned, fucking heart, but the pieces of Jared that are now missing—the gaps in his personality replaced by shyness and constantly saying sorry for things that aren't even his fault. Those bits of his best friend now live on in Jensen's heart, waiting for the day their owner regains enough strength to take them back, to make them his again.

here's another reason Jensen's been Mister-Annoying-As-Hell.

He's afraid Chad will try to get to Jared. That he'll find some way to sneak back in and take up residence in his best friends psyche. Jared seems, for the most part, to be resolved to never going back to his husband, but Jen's not stupid and he knows Jay well enough to know that there's a fragile part of his heart that if he thinks he can rectify the failure of his marriage, he'll try.

Not only would it probably result in Jared's death at the hands of that complete fucking moron, but it would _kill_ Jensen.

He doesn't mean in that overly dramatic sense of, 'Oh my lord I'll just _die_ ' he means it would shatter him, it would rend the muscles of his heart that beat solely for Jared. He wouldn't be able to stand watching it, so their friendship would be over and that alone would physically fucking kill him.

Taking a deep breath he stands, dusts non-existent lint from his Henley and heads towards the lifts.

Jared may have wanted space but Jensen's got an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach that'll only ease once Jay's within touching distance.

*********

Jensen's just turning onto Jared's corridor when he sees a familiar head of hair peeking around the corner. No doubt seeing if Jay's alone.

It's an involuntary reaction to the idea that this man could get any where near his best friend ever again, but Jensen moves at the speed of light, hooking his fingers in Chad's collar and yanking violently backwards. "Yo, moron, what you doing here?"

The satisfaction Jensen feels at watching Chad taken off balance and looking like a flailing monkey isn't quite enough to damp down the rage slowly building within his chest. " Well?"

"I'm here to see my husband. You remember, the guy I married, for better or worse."

It takes all of Jensen's restraint not to launch himself at Chad, nails and teeth bared, like an animal whose mate has been threatened. Instead of the reaction Chad was hoping for he simply steps in close, laying an arm at the side of the shorter man's head, and leans down, almost nose to nose. "I'll say this once, and once only. If you even _think_ about touching Jared again I _will_ end you. I can't stop him coming back to you if that's what he wants, but I can and do promise swift, bloody and untraceable retribution. One hair, you hear me. One. Hair."

The veneer of untouched and unfazed slowly slips from Chad's face as he suddenly understands that Jensen means it. There won't be a sniffer dog in the Continental US that'll be able to find him. And he knows without a moment's hesitation Jensen will bury him alive.

Chad nods once, makes as if to push out of the frame of Jensen's arms, then realises he'll have to stoop to leave, just as Jensen planned.

The sound of Jensen's voice following him down the hall sends a shiver down Chad's spine.

"One hair, Chad. One hair."

*********

When Jensen walks back into Jared's room he's met with a sight that will haunt him for years to come. Almost _worse_ than the picture he walked in on the week before.

Jared's sitting bolt upright, one working leg fidgeting on the bed, back straight enough you could to draw a line against with it, eyes darting around the room trying to find any and all places he can hide. The sweat is pouring down his face and he's chewed his lips so badly there's blood smeared down his chin.

Jensen's beside Jared in an instant. He raises his hand to stroke Jared’s hair and is met with a look that could floor the most hard-hearted of men, before Jared shrinks from his touch. He physically curls in on himself until he's a mere fraction of his size. For a guy who's over 6'3” that's impressive by anyone’s standards.

The pain Jensen feels at watching Jared pull away is like a heated knife to the solar plexus.

It slices him like butter.

Giving himself a moment to centre his thoughts and school his features to paper over the hurt, Jensen steps back and shoves his hands in his pockets. "Hey, hey, what? What's wrong?"

"W-w-was that Ch-ch-Chad?"

 _Shit_ "Yeah, he just dropped by to pay his respects."

**********

Jared's trying really hard not to be terrified, not to allow Jensen to see _this_ side of him, because it's bad enough Jen knows what went on, he doesn't need to see the fucking fall out. Not when all Jared really wants is to curl into his arms.

The thought of being touched right now sends violent convulsions all along Jared's arms and legs. He's shaking so bad, he can hear his own teeth chattering but he desperately needs Jensen to work his way passed the flinches and whimpers and hold him. "Jen, pl-pl-please."

He can't physically bring himself to reach out, still in fight or flight mode, but he waggles his fingers and slides sideways, leaning into Jensen's side.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen understands what it is Jared needs and braces for the pain it'll cause.

With Jared still trembling against him, Jensen hooks his hands beneath ramrod straight arms. Dragging the tall body quivering on the bed towards him, he cradles Jay's face to his chest and sways on the spot. "I got you. Jay, I got you. He will never touch you again. I promise”

Jared's not even remotely capable of believing that right now, but the words still sooth and calm his shattered soul enough to allow himself to relax. His body slowly stops quaking, he releases the breath he's been holding since Chad's voice rang in his ears, and he snuggles into the thudding heartbeat pumping against his cheek. "M'sorry."

All Jensen can manage is a choked off reply as he slowly runs his fingers through Jared's sweat soaked hair. "Jay, don't, please.”

****************

"So, home time. Home?"

"Yours. If that's okay?"

The relief Jensen feels at Jared's reply is palpable as he helps Jay on with his pants. Chuckling when his best friend groans at the 'cut off' look he's rocking.

"Those were my favourite jeans. Damn it."

It's been another week of bed baths and Doctors poking and prodding and hm'ing over him but Jared's finally going to be free. Limping and covered in a toe to thigh cast, but free.

The idea of going back to the apartment had put him into a full-scale meltdown.

One of the nurses had poked her head in two days ago and said. "Home soon, bet you can't wait," and he'd had a panic attack that saw Jensen laying on the bed next to him tapping out a one-two-three rhythm on his chest just to give Jared something to focus his breathing on.

In amongst the quite frankly embarrassing heavy breathing and shaking, Jensen had casually dropped in. "Hey, Mi Casa Et Su Casa." and left it at that. The instant relief Jared felt was a physical rush of pleasure. A release of endorphins that'd addled his brain to the point where even though his breathing had slowed, he needed a moment just to chill the fuck out.

****************

Jensen watches Jared pretend to watch the television whilst curled against his couch, some no-talent douche trying to explain how he has the answer to all of the world's woes. He wonders, not for the first time, if there's something he should be doing to try and ease Jay's pain.

The physical is easy enough, easy enough for Jared at any rate. It's killing Jensen. Helping him in and out of his clothes; in and out of the shower with the oh-so-sexy cast protector on his leg; no amount of oddly shaped cellophane has managed to quell the ridiculous hard-on he's been suffering with since Jay moved in.

The kicker is he knows that this isn't where their relationship's at right now, but Jensen's got a million years of pent up Jared-shaped frustration lingering at the back of his mind, and _popping up_ at the most inopportune moments.

The physical he can deal with, that's just pain pills and tucking it back as best he can. He can do _that_ for Jared. He's just happy to have the man under his roof where he can watch over him.

The mental—the internal struggle Jared goes through every morning, every evening—that's what's hurting Jensen most. He knows this isn't about his suffering, but he _is_ suffering.

Yesterday, whilst handing him a sandwich, just leaning over the back of the couch with a plate full of chicken and mayo, Jay flinched. It wasn't a gentle turn away from Jensen's presence, it was a hard twist of the neck and a cringe that upset the plate in Jen's hands so badly they both ended up picking lettuce out of their hair.

Jared tried to play it down, which was bad enough, but then he started saying sorry.

_"Sorry, I'm so sorry, shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...sorry."_

Jensen thinks if he hears the word 'Sorry' one more time he'll end up putting his fist through a wall. He's never hated a word so much in his life.

The fact that Jared feels the need to say it at all pisses him off so bad he constantly has to bite his tongue and not walk his ass round to Chad's place and pummel him into a pulpy mess, but the look of fear on Jay's face... It breaks him, in all the ways he always knew Jared _could_ break him.

Going to bed is the worst moment of Jensen's day. They aren't sharing a bed, which _isn't_ an issue. Not in the conventional sense. It's not something he'd ever do to Jared, the running before they can walk. They aren't _there_ yet, Jensen's okay with that.

What he's not okay with is the sound of Jared screaming out in his sleep. The rucking sheets and rattling bedposts as he has nightmare after god-damned fucking nightmare. In those moments, Jensen's entire soul shatters into a thousand jagged pieces.

Jensen hasn't slept more than twenty minutes at a time in seven days and he's about ready to drop on the spot.

The first night, after the awkward fumble between, _should I offer him a separate bed or mine?,_ Jensen had settled down for the night, doing his usual to relax; glasses on, good book in his hands, lamp down low so he can drift off. He'd awoken to the sound of an animal being slaughtered. The squeals of a living creature in serious amounts of pain.

At first Jensen'd thought he'd left a window open and there were cats going at it outside, then he'd realised there were words punctuating the pain. He'd been out of bed so fast he'd tangled himself in the sheets and nearly broken his nose face planting the carpet.

The sight of Jared; drenched from head to toe in sweat, contorted atop the sheets like a Francis Bacon in human anatomy, screaming out in his sleep, arms above his head as if fending off blows...It had driven a hole in Jen's heart so deep, he thought he could feel moonlight through it.

Stepping forward he'd tried to work out if he should wake Jared, sooth him in his sleep. Should he touch him at all?

Finally, the animalistic sounds of his agony were too much to bear and he'd slid onto the bed.

He's still got bruises on his chest and neck where Jared had started punching out.

Jared had finally awoken, and at first Jensen could tell he was frightened the body next to his was that of his husband’s, and he’d tried rolling away, almost falling face first off the bed.

Once Jared’s brain had kicked in and he found it to be his best friend,he’d settled.

Jensen still remembers the feel of tears seeping into his tee. The taste of wet salt as he tried to gently kiss them away. Soft fluttery movements with his lips that seemed to work their magic.

Eventually Jared had drifted back to sleep and Jensen had extricated himself, not wanting to overstay his welcome.

From that night to this, he's spent every evening laying in bed waiting for the night terrors to come.

And they _do_ come.

********************

Jared's just about ready to collapse. His pain meds have kicked in and Jensen's having to cradle him into his room. "M'sorry 'bout this. Too tired. Can't think."

Jensen simply shoulders Jared's not-so-slight body and slides him towards the bed. "S'okay Jay, I got you. You know you're cute when you're half asleep, right?"

Jared's hearing is all fucked up, the med's make him feel like he's watching the action from the ceiling. He shakes his head and pats Jensen's face, like a puppy playing with a ball. "Not as cute as _you_!"

Sighing and chuckling, Jensen drops Jared onto the sheets and starts divesting him of his oh so annoying cut off jeans.

"Jay, honey, you might wanna tuck it back."

Jared looks down at himself and realises boy-scouts could camp under there, and giggles. The one thing the medication does for him is lower _all_ his inhibitions. Good job too, because he knows if he'd been 'sober' this would've been mortifying. As it is, Jared just wafts his hands at Jensen and motions for him to lean close. "Stay."

There's a not so-small part of Jensen that desperately wants to crawl in beside Jared, to cradle his back as he drifts off; to hold him close when he inevitably wakes with a terror so visceral the entire apartment block can hear it. But there's the tiniest part of his brain that knows he'll regret it if Jared wakes in the morning, or the middle of the night, and is horrified he offered such a thing.

Sharing his bed has to be a conscious decision, not made while under the influence. Jensen won't force anything on Jared, never will he be that man.

Letting the palm of his hand rest gently against Jared's grinning cheek, Jensen leans down and drops a soft chaste kiss against the lips now pouting and looking so very inviting. "Next time baby, next time. Sleep it off, 'kay?"

************

Jared awakes to the sound of someone screaming out, he panics for a moment, thinking perhaps Jensen's hurt himself, then he realises _he's_ the one screaming and it makes him want to hide beneath the bed in shame.

He can't take this much more.

He knows Jensen can't take this much more.

There hasn't been a night he hasn't woken to sweat-soaked sheets and a set of careful, gentle eyes keeping tabs on him. He's grateful beyond measure, and so ashamed that he's putting his best friend through this.

When they were avoiding the subject of his home life, Jared suspected Jensen was suffering for it. Jensen wasn't sleeping and he wasn't voicing his own pain, but this, this is worse. Knowing he's the cause of Jensen's nightly disturbances.

Knowing he’s the reason for the bags under Jen’s eyes and the stilted heavy movements as he drags his tired ass through the door. The shame Jay feels at putting his best friend through this doesn't come close to his need for comfort and company.

Part of him wants to try to find his own place, but he knows he can't physically cope alone right now. Not to mention the complete scramble that is his brain, the mess he lives with and is eased not a small amount by the knowledge that at the beginning and end of his day, he gets to see that beautiful face smiling at him.

Jensen's face with the eye crinkles of doom and smile lines that won't quit, with the bright shining light his eyes give off. Well, that face got him through some truly vicious beatings, a few extremely painful visits to the emergency room and at least one 'date night' he hadn't even signed on for.

Jared has to have it in his view whenever he needs.

As he tries to unfurl himself, to stretch out his aching limbs, to remove the paralysing fear from his body, he feels Jensen’s presence, always keeping a close eye on him, even when he doesn’t want it.

Taking a deep breath, he turns, rolls over on his side and sees Jensen sitting like a pixie; legs crossed, arms resting on his knees, head tilted. "Hey."

"Hey."

There's a moment's airlessness in the room and then Jared's struggling to peel himself off the bed. Wanting nothing else but to feel Jensen's arms around him, those steady hands resting at his waist.

"Wait, stop, I'll come to you."

Jared shakes his head and continues to wriggle himself upright. "No, please, just stay."

Jensen watches Jared force himself off the bed thankfully stays exactly where he is, seeming to realise this is something Jay needs to do.

"Okay, I'm here. Take your time."

Jared finally manages to throw his gammy leg over the edge of the bed and is about to stand up when his hip gives out, tumbling forward he's expecting to taste carpet any minute when those steady hands, the ones he spends the majority of his days fantasising about, they catch him, hold him, keep him from falling.

Like always.

Jensen’s arms slide beneath Jared’s and they stay like that, silent and still and breathing each other’s scent for what seems like a millennia, before Jensen coughs and lowers Jared to the bed and sitting beside him. "What exactly were you trying to prove? That you could injure yourself even when you're in bed?"

The jibe isn't barbed and it makes Jared laugh at his own stubbornness. "No Jen, I was trying to come to you for once, instead of you keep having to come to me."

Jensen snorts and shakes his head. "Dude, you are the most infuriating man I have ever had the privilege of meeting. I love...I love that you can't just take the help. Jackass."

Jared decides in that moment, whilst Jensen's smiling like a goof and shaking his head at the stupidity of his best friend, that it's about time he said it out loud, said exactly what it is that's kept him sane for the last five years.

Jensen deserves that, he's earned that. And quite frankly if Jared doesn't say it now, he may never say it and this holding pattern will break both of their hearts.

Shuffling sideways, flopping his busted leg into Jensen's lap, Jared grips his chin before resting his forehead against Jen's. "I...I have to say this, and you have to let me, 'kay? Just bear with me 'cause I'm crap at this."

Jensen sucks in a breath and nods. Too afraid to open his mouth and shatter the moment.

"Okay, look, this last five years, shit has it really been five years? I love Chad."

Jensen bristles, not because Jared loves his husband, but because his husband doesn't _deserve_ that gift.

"No, wait, calm. I love him, I will always love him....But he broke me. He crushed that love under his boot. For the longest time I was okay with that because I thought, 'Who's gonna love someone like me, a pathetic stupid man who's willing to let a guy half his size pound on him for a moment's attention?'."

Jensen feels his chest expand as he physically revolts at the idea of Jared saying these things about himself but the soothing tapping of long fingers against his arm allows him to deflate enough of the rage to listen.

Jared watches Jensen's eyes widen and then narrow, and forges on before he loses his bottle. "I _know_ I'm not pathetic Jen, I do, I promise. I also know that for the last five years when things have been at their worst, when I've been bloody and broken, beaten down to the point that the only way out was _offing_ —"

Jensen almost falls off the bed, at the inference that Jared **ever** thought it was an option, that **that** was an option. "Jay, no, you never..."

"Once."

Jensen feels his heart shrink, his eyesight recedes to little black dots and he starts to hyperventilate.

Jared knew this would be hard. He also knew he shouldn't have been _this_ honest, but if they're going to make this crazy shit work, he's gotta cauterize the wound. "Once, Jen, and I promised myself never again. He could kick the crap out of me, berate me, talk me into believing I wasn't worth the air, but he would **never** push me that far again."

Jensen's entire world has narrowed to the thought of his best friend being gone. It's so painful he can barely draw breath, but he knows Jared needs this. He forces his head up, forces himself to stare directly into the eyes now begging him for an understanding of sorts. "When and how?"

"When doesn't matter."

From the lilt in Jared's voice Jensen _knows_ exactly when. "Oh god, no, not when I came to the apartment? I'm so s..."

Jared recoils. "DON'T! It wasn't **your** fault. It was mine, and his. But, yes, that day, the day you came to check on me and I answered the door with my face half hidden behind it. He, he didn't like that you'd come to check on me."

Jensen starts to shake, he can't physically stop.

Jared knows Jensen needs this as much as he does so carries on, despite the dampness dripping from the tip of his down turned nose. "It got bad, so bad I thought I'd rather be dead than have to endure another minute of life like that. I...I waited until he was finally asleep and I grabbed the nearest thing I could. Turned out to be a kitchen knife."

Jensen's lungs contract. He can't breath.

"I thought I was going to stab him in his sleep, finally end this thing. And then there I was stood in the kitchen with blood pooling at my feet and a light headed sense of _finally_."

The images Jared is conjuring up are so very fucking awful that Jensen slaps his own head over and over again to try and remove the sickening idea of his best friend stood motionless watching himself bleed out.

He's in the middle of gripping Jared's wrist so tightly he may snap it when Jensen feels it. The scar. The ragged edged piece of skin beneath his thumb now screaming at him that he _should_ have been there "Jay, I...I...

Jared winces at the pain in his wrist but doesn't pull his arm back, simply rests his cheek on Jensen's shoulder and carries on. "I know, and I also know that if you'd seen me like that I never would've been able to look you in the eye again. It was a place I **needed** to go. Rock bottom, Jen. Only way is up, right?"

It takes all of Jensen's will power not to curl into a ball and cry, racking sobs that will wake the neighbours. Instead, he turns in Jared's arms and grips his face so tight it leaves little red finger prints. "Never again, Jay. **Neve** r again!"


	3. Chapter 3

After that night. The night of honesty that almost stripped the pair of them down to bone, Jensen's been so ridiculously over protective of Jared that he just can't stand it any more.

Jared can't fault Jensen for it. He knew when he embarked on the 'moment of truth' it would end up with Jensen freaking out. He wasn't quite prepared for the level of love being aimed in his direction.

For a man who's spent five entire years of his life waiting for some form of confirmation that they aren't worth a damn, having anyone tell you you're loved; physically, mentally, verbally, in the simplest of actions... It's _too_ much.

Stupid, right? Who wouldn't want a guy like Jensen laying his heart and soul at their feet, but Jared's still picking up the pieces of his own shattered psyche. Trying to assuage the hurt and hatred Jensen feels towards Chad on a daily basis is starting to crush his brain.

Jensen doesn't seem to understand that Jared doesn't _hate_ Chad, he simply feels sorry for him. He wants to hate him, he knows he's well within his rights to hate him; he just doesn't.

The man is sick, he needs help. Clearly Jared wasn't enough to force the issue, wasn't enough for Chad to _work his shit out_ and Jared's gonna have to deal with that, but he still doesn't wish for all the tea in China that he _was_ Chad.

His life must suck.

Not only that but if Jensen continues to treat him like glass Jared _will_ snap.

Jared waits for Jensen to come in from work, wanting to see the look on his face when he wanders in on a completely home cooked meal, the made table, good china and all.

Who knew Jensen _had_ good china?

Seems there's a lot Jared's best friend can still surprise him with.

Jared _needs_ this. He needs normal, easy, relaxed. No fretful looks and gnashing teeth. He's fully aware that Jensen's going to take time to adjust to the idea of what really went on between him and Chad, and he doesn't expect that to happen overnight, but for the love of...just one night off the worry-train would be nice.

The key snicks in the lock and Jared stands as straight as he can, perched precariously against the table, dodgy leg pushed out to the side. He must look hilarious.

Jensen's finally home after a day of double orders and sent back lunches, he could obviously quite happily collapse on the threshold and sleep there. The only thing that seems to have dragged his lagging ass over said threshold is the thought of Jared behind the door.

As he walks in on a scene from Martha stewarts Best Of's Jensen almost drops his keys in shock. "What...dude, you're meant to be recuperating!"

Jared chuckles at the mixture of amazement and gratitude on Jensen's face and hobbles forward, offering to take Jen's coat. "Would sir like to take a seat on the couch? There's a bath running and candles lit. Plus dinner will be served promptly at eight."

Jensen giggles. Not a sound either men associate with the hard worn Texan but it's a welcome piece of joy in a room that's been full of so much tension for the last few weeks.

As Jared hops towards the coat rack in the corner Jensen almost stands to help and realises that _this_ is Jared's way of saying, 'enough, let me be, I'm not gonna break.' and so remains seated and enjoys the curve of Jay's ass in those god-awful, half-cut-off jeans.

He might not be able to keep up the hands-off approach for long but he _can_ at least enjoy the gesture of dinner and a good long soak.

*************

Jensen belches. A huge great rumbling sound of physical appreciation for a meal well-cooked and served with grace. He feels the air blow passed his lips and is chuckling before the burp is over. "Dude, that was fan-fucking-tastic! What did you _do_ to that chicken?!"

Jared smiles so wide his back teeth flash and shakes his head. "Family secret. You gotta earn that piece of know-how. Glad you enjoyed it though. My Mama will be so proud."

Jensen allows himself a moment of complete fatness. His belly is pushing out passed his sweatpants and he's about ready to fall asleep where he sits. Having Jared in his home was always enough, but tasting that fabulous meal he thinks perhaps he might have to tie Jay to a radiator pipe somewhere. "I feel so FULL!"

Standing to clear away, Jared starts to pile up plates on his left arm. Doing as he was always taught in the restaurant trade; pile 'em high and hope for the best.

He's three plates and two glasses in when he feels Jensen's hands on his waist and he loses it. "STOP IT!"

Jensen freezes. He's expecting Jared to be having a _moment_ so when he feels the open-palmed smack to his chest he's taken aback. "What the fuck?!"

Jared can't deal with it any more. He _needs_ Jensen to just **stop** with the mothering him, treating him like a piece of glass that'll shatter on impact. "Jen, I...Yeah fine okay angry or not I'm gonna say it, I love you, but you have _got_ to stop treating me like a precious cupcake! I ain't gonna break every time I move!"

Jensen's so taken aback he forgets to be polite, to watch his words. “I can't help it! Jay, I can't..."

Taking a deep breath, Jensen tries to take control of himself. "I can't just let you _fall._ I spent _five years_ watching you limp in beaten and fucked up… I can't help it!”

Up until now, Jared's had a complete control of himself, chosen not to throw his toys out the pram but the idea that Jensen just can't help seeing him as a victim...No, alright, that's bullshit. Jensen doesn't see him as a victim but he’s making Jared _feel_ like one and it's too much.

Looking down at the crockery in his arms, he shrugs before lifting it above his head then letting it fall, gracelessly, to the ground. "Fuck you."

Jensen's beyond shocked.

Jared can feel his heart rate rising, his eyes bulging, his nails gouging chunks from his palms. Spinning on the spot, almost toppling and _daring_ Jensen to reach out, he stares hard at his best friend. "Fuck. You! Actually, no, fuck _me_. Please!"

There's a moment, a second, where Jensen stands and stares at Jared. Trying to read the rage etched on his face. Will he regret this? Is this _really_ what he wants? Then again does Jensen even care anymore? He can't physically take the pain of _not_ touching Jay. Of laying hands on flesh, flesh that begs to be caressed. He's spent so very long wishing, wanting and hoping. To be handed that invitation and _not_ take it...

Stupidity!

Jared watches the warring emotions flit across Jensen's face and silently begs him to make the right decision. **_Please don't treat me like glass, please don't treat me glass._** And there it is, the flicker of understanding that signals his best friends reserve slipping just enough that Jared can sneak in underneath his defences. " _Please._ "

The beautifully laid out table with its napkin rings and bottles filled with candles all burnt down to the glass, becomes the first casualty in the battle for dominance.

It's not a dominance you'd expect.

Jensen is desperately trying _not_ to overpower Jared as he sweeps forward, slipping his arms around the man who’s been his everything for what seems like ever's waist.

Gentle feather light touches of lips to throat that enrage Jared, that piss him off so badly he loses his cool and shoves Jensen backwards, almost toppling himself at the same time.

Jensen bangs his hip against the edge of the table, upending his not quite empty wine glass, and looks at Jared like he's lost his mind. "What the fuck, Jay?!"

Jared hobbles forward, slots himself in between Jensen's open thighs and digs his nails into cotton-covered thighs. "Stop. Treating. Me. Like. Glass. I won't break. And this may or may not surprise you Jen, but I _am_ a bottom. Chad hasn't changed that. You don't have to try and hand me your ass as a way of making me feel stronger."

Jensen's face is almost comical as he hears the words coming out of Jared's mouth. He's both horrified and amused at Jay's moxy and the building tension he's been trying to keep in check explodes in a flurry of flailing limbs and hastily stolen kisses.

They bump noses and their teeth clash, it's not a picture perfect porno moment of satisfaction but it does the trick. It releases all the pent up worry and anger that's been floating around the apartment since Jared moved in.

Laughter through tears is one of Jensen's favourite emotions, laughter through anger and worry is possibly even better. Grabbing at Jared's face, roughly shoving long fingers into messy hair and dragging his best friend's mouth in close, he suckles Jay's bottom lip, making it plump and red and so very inviting. "There you are!"

Jared is taken aback by the warmth in Jensen's voice, coupled with the wetness of his cheeks, the taste of tears on his tongue, it rocks him on his heels. "Hey, hey. Why are you crying?"

Jensen feels bereft without Jared's warm mouth to finish exploring but he realises he's going to have to explain or this will stall before it starts. "I... Don't laugh, okay?"

Jared strokes Jensen's face, gentle sweeping movements with the pad of his thumb, wiping away errant tears still trickling down his cheek. "No laughter. Promise."

Leaning into Jared's soft touch, Jensen closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before forging on. "You were gone, for so long. The man I knew, the man I fell for. He disappeared. Chad tore away pieces of you, and eventually there was nothing left but holes in your heart and a ghost of who you used to be."

Jared feels his own eyes well and spill over as Jensen's voice becomes more laboured.

"And for every piece of you he destroyed, I kept the memory of it safe, in here," Jensen pats his own chest, directly above his racing heart. "And I've been waiting to see him, that guy, the guy who didn't give a crap what other people thought. The dude who stood on a table in the middle of a bar and did his famous 'Frozen Chicken' impression just to make me laugh after a shitty day at work."

Jared chuckles at the memory of flopping his cock out to a bar full of horrified if slightly impressed drinkers.

"The man who wouldn't take shit from _anyone_. Well," Jensen finally opens his eyes and leans forward, licking up the side of Jared's grinning face. Lapping at the wetness now adorning his best friend's face as well as his own. "There _you_ are."

Safe to say that Jared at this point is useless beyond the telling of it. He's smiling so hard his cheeks ache, but there are fat salty tears falling from his wide eyes, eyes that are finally _seeing_ Jensen for the first time. Seeing what he's been through whilst Jared's been hanging on for dear life. Witnessing the soft new skin healing, but Jensen's as well.

Despite both of them having erections that are pressing against taut thighs, there will be no sex tonight. The memory of their shared pain is too much to work past. For tonight, at least.

All bets are off tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

**********

It's been a three weeks of recovering and recuperating and slogging around the apartment in half cut-off jeans and sweatpants and Jared has _got_ to get out or he's going to go completely batshit insane. Jensen's going to come home and find him finger painting pictures on the walls in pasta sauce of trees and birds and balls being thrown about in parks.

He has to get _out_.

He just has to convince Jensen to stop being a Nanny-Goat. The hairy-eyeball is something Jared's used to now, and it's slowly getting easier to deal with, mainly because he remembers the look on Jensen's face the night they trashed the dining table.

The pain in Jensen’s voice, the agony set deep in his gorgeous eyes, That's enough to make Jared rein in the annoyance and just deal.

Doesn't mean he isn't itching to climb out a window and pull the teen runaway trick. "Jen, honey, can we _please_ go for a drink? I need out of this apartment. I've categorized? all the ceiling tiles by shape, discolouration and slightly odd paint splotches. Please."

Jensen looks over the top of his book, hooks his glasses low on the bridge of his nose, and chuckles. "Fine, but you can't get hammered and fall off any bars. You hear me?"

Jensen's not stupid. He knows he's been driving Jared up the wall.

He finally relented and started sharing a bed with Jared last week. They still haven't...well let's just say listening to your partner scream someone else's name in their sleep isn't conducive to romance, but they're at least falling asleep in each other's arms and Jensen's cool with that, for now.

Heaving himself off the couch, he's about to say something about getting his coat on when his vision's cut off. Laughing and scrabbling for daylight, Jensen pulls the jacket from his head and rolls his eyes at Jared who's already fully dressed and standing by the door. "Eager much?"

"Three weeks Jen, _three weeks_. Shake a tail feather, would ya?"

Struggling to get his shoes on quick enough to catch the supposed cripple now hopping gayly down the outer stairs, Jensen laughs and slams the door behind them. "Wait up, Peg Leg."

************

They're two drinks in and merrily working on their third when Jared decides he desperately needs to take a leak. Wiggling his ass to the edge of the bar stool he's been warming for an hour, he nods towards the men's room and salutes Jensen before hopping away.

Jensen's chuckles at Jared who's clearly trying to cross his legs and walk on one gammy foot at the same time. Damn, where's his camera when he needs it?

Taking a sip of his beer, Jensen thinks he's made progress. Usually he'd have offered to help Jared, which would've been met with either a crass comment about his huge cock needing to be lifted by two pairs of hands, or a withering stare that could wilt metal.

Grinning to himself, he starts reshuffling the cards they've been playing with, not noticing the familiar gait of a man who's lucky to still be breathing.

*************

Chad spots Jensen at the bar and realises that Nanny-McAckles wouldn't be out without Jared the Waif so waits until his head's down turned before stealing passed him towards the men's room.

Easy pickings.

**********

Jared's clearly enjoying the effects of alcohol after so long not really partaking. Pain meds and booze do not a match made in heaven make. So two and a half beers and he's swaying on the spot, trying to balance his heavy cast and not fall face first into the urinal.

He's so busy humming and grinning and peeing he doesn't hear the door behind him open and close.

It's only the familiar scent of a cologne he personally picked out every year for five years that alerts Jared to the presence of Chad.

At first he thinks he's imagining it, it can't just be his husband that wears that scent, until he hears _that_ voice, so close over his shoulder he almost spins and pisses on Chad's shoes.

"Well well, lookee-here. Little Miss Padalecki's been allowed a day's furlough. I was starting to wonder if your babysitter would ever let you out of that shit hole he calls an apartment."

Jared's entire body starts to quake. He just about manages to tuck himself in and zip up before his hands are a shaking mess. Blowing out a breath and closing his eyes, he doesn't turn, just forces his chin up and speaks. "Ch..Chad."

Chad's so close now he can feel the air move as Jared vibrates in front of him. "J..J..Jared!"

The mocking tone coupled with the overpowering sense of weakness does something that neither Jared nor Chad are expecting.

Jared spins on his fucked up leg, fast enough that Chad stumbles backwards with a look of intrigue on his face. "What, gonna go hide under Jensen's skirts? Not big enough to fight your own battles? You know you belong with me Jay, who else would have this?," Chad gestures to Jared who's stood stock still, nostrils flaring.

There's a moment of silence, of complete silence. As if the men's room of the Pig&Whistle has been covered by a bubble and nothing or no one can penetrate it.

As Jared allows Chad's barb to worm it's way under his skin, he realizes that _that_ is horse-shit. He _is_ worth something to someone else.

Not only is Jared worth something to _himself_ , finally, after all these years, but Jensen—the guy sitting out in the bar with mussed up spiky hair and a dopey grin that makes Jay's knees go weak—values him above all others. Probably even above himself. Jared knows he isn't nothing. He's something. He's someone.

And that _someone_ won't be made to feel like day old roadkill by a man half his height and twice as much of a douche. "Hey, Chad, guess what?"

As Chad's eyebrows raise in reply, Jared wheels back, arm shooting out. Attempting to land a punch, Jared fumbles it, the blow glancing off his husband's glass jaw.

The shock of the act of defiance is still enough to drop Chad, shoving him off balance, making him crouch at Jared’s feet.

"You see that dude in the bar, the one you must have run passed like a little bitch with a skinned knee," Jared doesn't give Chad chance to rally, just leans back on his good leg and uses the weight of his cast to swing his foot round, landing a kick that crumples his husband's knee.

Jared bites back the howl of pain as his injured leg throbs inside the cast. "He's the one who _wants_ me. And not for a punching bag. Not for a round of let's pin the tail on the Padalecki and see how many times we can make him squeal."

Chad's on the floor, he's scrabbling around in the piss and beer of the men's room of a pub and he can't gain a foothold. He watches the rage of five years worth of subjugation take over Jared and he knows he's lost.

Jared leans over Chad's head, opens the door and nods towards the outer bar. Chad fumbles for a hand hold, to try and stand, but all he can do is crawl away from his husband.

As Chad falls forward, losing his balance, Jared takes great pleasure in watching him scrape his face across the tiled floor. "Now, how's about you fuck—" Jay spots Jensen about to launch himself at Chad and holds up a hand and motions for him to sit. "Where was I, oh yeah? Fuck off Chad."

Jared lands one final kick to Chad's rear as he scrabbles for the outer door.

Usually the barman in this place would have piled in, but they all know what's been happening behind closed doors for the last five years and as Chad's ass disappears out of the bar, a round of applause sounds—the loudest and most proud of the spectators being Jensen who's stood on a table whooping and hollering and laughing at the image of a wet boot print emblazoned on Chad's useless ass.

Jared takes a moment to breathe and then feels his legs go out from underneath him.

Jensen's there, love shining out of his eyes, gripping Jared's shoulders and walking him backwards towards his bar stool. "Dude, I am so proud of you."

Jared gestures for the bar to quiet down and heavy breathes until the bartender hands him a paper bag. You'd think he'd be embarrassed but no, he's...elated. He's free. He's having a panic attack in public that he'll never live down, but it's the most satisfying panic attack in the world and he will cherish the sound of twenty people all slapping their hands together in triumph, a triumph that's been a long coming.

************

There's a lightness to Jared's movements as he and Jensen stumble home. Despite the weight of the cast and the ache in his hips from the physical exertion of kicking his _ex_ husband's ass, Jared is practically skipping.

Jensen watches his partner grin and lumber along the street and feels an overwhelming urge to kiss him silly.

Reaching out and tapping Jared on the shoulder, Jensen lets him spin on the spot then presses him back against a wall. "You." Leaning in he allows his lips to press none-too gently against Jared's. "Are." There's a sense of satisfaction to each taste of Jared's smile. "Fucking," The kisses gain momentum and the final word is obscured by Jared's tongue sweeping Jensen's mouth. "Amazing!"

Jared's so delirious he thinks he could probably float or fly home, but the intensity of feeling being transmitted into each touch of tongue against tongue keeps him tethered.

Jensen tastes fantastic, every movement of his lips brings a spark of something visceral rushing along Jared's veins and he finds himself fighting back against the body pressing him into wet brick. "Home. Now."

Jensen doesn't need telling twice. Hooking a hand under Jared's arm, he practically drags his partner the remaining distance to their front door.

The image of Jared literally kicking Chad's ass has assuaged all of his fears. He's no longer quite so worried about Jared going _back_ , doesn't feel the need to keep a watchful eye on his fragile partner, because his partner _isn't_ fragile.

He's hurting and healing and still licking open wounds but he's also strong and so very fucking amazing that Jensen's never been more proud to know someone.

As Jared slams through their front door, Jensen watches his ass appreciatively.

It's been so many years since he tasted Jared, properly, that he'd almost forgotten the heady scent of sweat and sweetness resting on his tongue, hanging in the air around them.

The addiction to Jared never waned for Jensen, it gathered momentum and speed until all he could see was his best friend. To have him—really _have_ him—is possibly too much for his nervous system to take.

Jared giggles drunkenly as he stumbles over end tables and couch arms before coming to rest against the wall of the living room. Gesturing towards Jensen, Jared tilts his head and smiles, hoping this is going where he so desperately needs.

Jensen doesn't disappoint, swooping in against Jared's pliant body, allowing hands to explore, fingers to dig in and kneed the heated flesh beneath Jared's shirt.

The body beneath his hands is so tactile, so responsive that Jensen thinks he may lose it right here. Jared wraps himself into Jensen's touch, shaking and squirming and crooning every time Jensen scrapes nails against his over sensitive long untouched skin.

There's no real conscious effort, they simply dance towards the bedroom. Both in no doubt as to what's about to happen.

Jared is nervous simply because when Jensen sees him without the blinkers of 'protector and nursemaid' he may well need a moment to take in the sight of his partner’s body..

Jared's scarred. Very scarred. There isn't a patch of skin that doesn't bare witness to Chad's brutality. Each a marker of a moment when the younger man held on by the skin of his teeth.

The scars are a point of pride for Jared, they show each and every time he never gave in, but to Jensen, they'll be a stark reminder of something he couldn't stop.

Jensen allows Jared to remove his own clothes, noting how slowly he does it, how his hands shake, his head dips so he can't see those stunning hazel eyes.

It's only as the last piece of clothing hits the bedroom floor that Jensen understands why Jared's taking his time.

Jared's beautiful body is marked by silvery line after wispy, silvery line.

There's not a piece of flesh that doesn't hold a memory of pain. A reminder of a moment in time where Jared was treated badly.

Each scar revealed sets Jensen's teeth on edge.

He needs to keep his cool, he needs to allow Jared this moment of revelation. He's seen all this, to some extent, but whilst working as his carer and protector, Jensen didn't see the scars. He just saw a friend who needed help.

As a potential lover—as someone who wants nothing more than happiness and peace for Jared—Jensen finds himself fighting back bile as he notices the oddest little shapes on the areas of skin forever changed by a brutality no one will ever understand.

Jensen doesn't know how anyone could've done this to another human being.

The side of Jared's cock is an odd shape.

It tells of a moment where he was touched in anger and rage, not love and trust.

It makes Jensen's knees buckle.

The story Jared's revealing without words is one that Jay knows Jensen will take to his grave.

A man as sweet and capable of tenderness as Jensen won't know how to grasp the physicality of domestic abuse. He's not wired that way. As Jensen's legs shake Jared steps forward, wrapping one arm around Jen’s shoulders, and guides them both to the bedroom floor. "It's okay, it's honestly okay, Jen."

Jensen's face is drenched, wet from years and years worth of pent up frustration and the knowledge that whilst he pined, Jared suffered.

Jared's completely naked. Jensen still has most of his clothes on, and as he clings to Jay, scrambles for a handhold on a man he _knows_ is right in front of him but could maybe disappear in a puff of smoke, he realises that in this instant, Jensen is the victim.

Jensen will have to spend the rest of his life knowing that where once was perfect pink supple flesh, there's now a road map of mayhem and pain.

The skin Jensen remembers; unmarked by tragedy, is gone.

That night in the back of the GT gave Jensen an image to cherish, but that image has changed so drastically he doesn’t know where to look.

Jensen won't ever be able to erase that map. Perhaps they can build new routes, but the map itself will always tell of a time where Jared was treated like an animal and it will _always_ hurt Jensen.

As Jensen openly sobs into Jared's shoulder, Jared finds a peace of sorts. A realisation that he wasn't wrong in his assumption that Chad had treated him badly. He wasn't imagining the abuse. He was abused and Jensen's reaction simply allows him to understand that he will never again be someone's punching bag, someone's go-to for a day's frustration. He's worth more than the lines etched into his skin.

Somewhere between Jensen's need to reaffirm that Jared is safe and whole and in his arms, and Jared's need to feel loved in every sense of the word, they are finally, blessedly, against each other. Surrounding each other.

The tears continue to fall, the pain continues to be present in their movements, but ultimately they are a unit, two halves of one whole.

Jensen's body responds to Jared's warmth in a way he's never experienced with anyone else and as he sinks into Jared—as Jared opens himself up and cries out his partner's name—there's a blaze of emotion and relief that burns up the ghosts of the past. This is their fresh start. They will be a partnership and they will write a whole new chapter to their story.

Jared digs his nails into the carpet as Jensen buries himself completely in the grasping heat of a body long abused and for the first time in a long time, they both feel whole.

It doesn't take long for Jensen to be stuttering and shaking and his hips to drag mewls of delight from Jared who continues to enjoy the sense of fullness, of slapping wet flesh, sweaty and delicious.

Jared was so worried that Jensen wouldn't let go in this moment, but to be pinned to the floor, to have nail marks being gouged out of his hips in lust not anger, it's enough, _enough._

Jared spills himself on the carpet as Jensen's cock swells and explodes. Filling Jared with a strange sense of _home_.

They both collapse face first; Jensen against Jared's shoulders, Jared onto the carpet.

Wriggling into a better position, Jared lets Jensen fall from his body and wraps his arm around his partner. "You okay?"

Jensen's still too raw to speak, simply nodding and nestling his head into the crook of Jared's elbow.

It's there they fall asleep. Wound around each other. Safe, sticky and gross and covered in god knows what, but safe and together.

*************

The morning Jared gets his decree-absolute, Jensen is at work.

He hears the chink of the mail slot and the dull thud of papers hitting the mat, and Jared's there, shaking and shivering and not entirely sure he's capable of opening the envelope on his own.

Throwing on his jacket, he scrunches up the offending piece of mail, stuffing it in his pants pocket, before practically running out the door.

**************

Jensen senses Jared before he even hears the bell above the diner's door jingle. Charlie's shout of, "Honey, your honey is home," is completely unnecessary but still makes the older man smile.

Charlie's been abso-fucking-lutely fabulous. Throughout Jared's recovery—their budding romance, their truly screwed up courtship—she's nudged and poked and cajoled Jensen into understanding that this isn't just Jared's journey, it's his too. Without her, Jen thinks perhaps he'd have gone insane.

As it is she's going to be witness at their ceremony, she's earned it. When that damned fucking decree-absolute finally arrives, that is.

He's in the process of divesting himself of the kitchen apron when Jensen's hit from behind. The full force of a Padalecki on a mission.

"Jen, Jen! It's here."

Jensen shakes his head to try to clear the tweety-birds circling it, when he realises what Jared's going on about. "Shit, _crap_ , really?!"

Jensen watches Jared limp back out into the diner proper, snatching Jen’s lunch of a burger with everything on it, off the side on his way. "Hey, I slaved, you gotta pay."

Jared snorts and takes a bite out of the juicy greasy piece of heaven before jutting his fat-covered chin in Jensen's direction. "Make me."

Charlie chuckles from the corner and snatches the envelope from Jared's hand as the Padackles sit themselves down at the counter. "I'm assuming Jay was too much of a chicken-shit to open this alone, huh?"

Jared ducks his head and grins before gesturing for the redhead to crack on with it.

Jensen grips Jared's hand as Charlie uses a fingernail to obliterate the sticking tape on the envelope.

"On behalf of the county court commissioner I am writing to confirm the dissolution of the marriage between one Mr J Padalecki and one Mr Chad Michael Murray. As of the 3rd of September 2015 they are no longer a lawfully binding union."

The sound of applause from every single person in the diner is deafening. Jensen has to let Jared's hand drop just to cover his ears and Jared's smiling so wide his face feels like it's going to crack. "FINALLY!"

************

Suited and booted and fidgeting with his tie, Jared waits for his partner to emerge from the side door of the registry office.

Beside him stand his parents, both looking for all the world like they're gaining a son not losing one, and Charlie, across the aisle, ready and willing to stand witness to an event that's been long overdue.

Jared was all ready to walk 'down the aisle' but Jensen pointed out with his impressive limp, he'd take three days to get there, and the few friends and family they'd invited would've dozed off waiting.

Jensen had gotten a slap and a genuine smile from his husband-to-be, and a gentle kiss on the end of the nose before a showing off that limp with all the pride it deserved when Jared walked away wiggling his ass.

Now, Jared stands listening to the happy whispers of his nearest and dearest, and not really knowing what to do with himself. It's been years in the making, and a journey that's seen them both wade through hell and back, but finally he gets to hand himself to the one person in the universe he knows will _never_ hurt him.

There are still night terrors, and moments where he can't shower alone, or when the apartment is empty he has to phone Jensen just to hear a friendly voice, but for the most part he's healed. Limp aside.

Jensen finally emerges from the side door, dressed in the most fuckable outfit Jared's ever seen. Dress pants, dinner jacket, Henley and a pair of converse. No tie, no pomp and circumstance, just comfort and beauty.

Jared's so proud of his partner, for the long hard slog that's gotten them both here.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..."

The registrar's voice is a dull buzzing in his ears. Too busy looking at the man who will be his in so few minutes.

Finally, they reach the part of the ceremony where they both have to speak up, own their heart, express to the people gathered around them that this is what they want, and always will. "I can't believe I ever felt so alone. So very alone. I will never take you for granted Jensen Ackles. I will always know what I mean to you and what you mean to me. There will be tears and tantrums but there will be laughter and love. Loneliness is a part of life, but with you by my side, I won’t feel its touch."

Jensen leans in, grips Jared's flailing hands between his own and squeezes. "Never again, Jay. Never again."


	4. Chapter 4

The very expensive wine that Jared insisted they simply _must_ have, has taken effect. Jensen's looking at everything through a haze of love and laughter, euphoria.

He's married.

He's married to Jared.

Jared who is currently squishing the living hell out of a very exasperated Charlie. She keeps trying to squirm out of his arms but Jay just holds on for dear life and lays wet sloppy kisses on the top of her head.

Three days ago, in amongst all the organising nightmares and seating arrangement mishaps, he awoke to the sound of Jared mewling and begging for mercy in his sleep, and Jensen wondered if he would ever not want to break Chad's face.

Tilting his head Jensen watches Jared flail like a squid on the dance floor, scattering laughing guests and scared children, and realises that they finally have matching bowlegs.

The limp is both adorable and horrifying, but it serves to remind both Jensen and his husband that nothing is impossible and you can survive anything with enough support and time.

Jared sways non-too soberly to some eighties power ballad and Jensen finds himself inching forward, drawn towards his husband. No conscious effort just muscle memory and instinct.

As Jared spins on the spot, trying to pull off some complicated dance move that a sober dude would have trouble nailing, he catches his ankle behind his twisted in foot and almost topples.

The entire room quiets.

The only sound in the room is the booming bass backing up one Mr Phil Collins as he exclaims, "When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh ooh, You're the only one who really knew me at all," and the irony of the song isn't lost on either man.

Against all odds indeed.

Jared flounders before being caught by a strong set of arms, wrapping tightly around his waist, dragging him upright. "I thought I was gonna land on my ass, for sure."

Jensen grins, allows Jared to crawl up his body before placing a gentle kiss at his husband's temple. "Never again, Jay. **_Never_** again."


End file.
